For reasons that will become clear, I shan’t name the person who features in this episode as she wouldn’t thank me for publicly identifying her. Please note, however, that this is not one of those, ‘This happened to a friend of mine,’ when I really mean, ‘This happened to me.’

This isn’t me.


We were having a little trip around Florida and had reached Key West. I wouldn’t really say it’s my kind of place, particularly the establishment we ended up in one night.

Not familiar with the area, I’d asked in the hotel for recommendations, saying we were heading out for the evening and were looking for somewhere fun to go to.

‘So, you know, is there a lively place around here?’

‘Hmmm,’ came the thoughtful reply, ‘’Lively Place.’ Nope, can’t say as I’ve heard of it.’

Which might explain why we found ourselves where we did. After ordering, we realised that we were in what’s charmingly known as a ‘titty’ bar. Flash your boobs at the bartender and he’ll reward you with a free drink.


Sadly though, it was the only late night bar in town so we were stuck. Yes, I realise no-one was holding a gun to our heads but our thirst hadn’t quite been quenched to our satisfaction so we stayed for another few rounds. My accomplice, let’s just call her ‘Beatrix’ (Beatrix by name and, on this occasion, Beer Tricks by nature – judging by the amount of amber nectar she was managing to neck), seemed to be getting into the swing of things.

She was certainly swinging back the complimentary shots that were also coming her way, thankfully without having to reveal any of her body parts.

By the time it came to leave, she wouldn’t have been able to tell you where our house keys were, never mind the Florida Keys. The short walk back to the hotel, that would ordinarily have taken 10 minutes maximum, took in the region of an hour.

She was legless.

Which was a shame, as a set of fully functioning legs would have come in quite handy when it came to her next trick, involving liquid of a completely different kind.

It was undoubtedly a highlight of the night for both of us when she announced that she needed to pee. Like a confused puppy, her legs got in the way of the delicate operation and so she simply squatted in the middle of the public pavement and proceeded to relieve herself – without removing any item of lower clothing.

Again, classy.

We finally reached the hotel, which was comprised of a series of town houses, accessible from the road and with a communal pool in the huge garden at the rear. Not especially happy about having to negotiate her soggy pockets to find the keys, I gritted my teeth and we did eventually make it inside.

It was about 2am and my thoughts at this point were pretty much, ‘Thank god for that, she’ll go to bed now.’


My heart sank when she crashed into my bedroom wearing her swimsuit.

C’mon, let’sh go to the pool.’

‘Not a good idea in your state. Go to bed.’

I wrestled internally with the best way of dealing with her insistence and opted for ignoring her. My reasoning was if I let her go by herself she’d get bored of the idea and give up on it.

But no.

That’sh fine,’ she slurred, ‘I’ll jusht go by myshelf.’

‘Ok, have fun.’

Now, of course, I would have to keep a discreet eye on her to make sure she didn’t do something stupid like drown.

A few minutes later, I heard terrified shrieks coming from a number of people along with, ‘Quick! Dial 911!’

Thinking the worst, I panicked.

The next thing I heard was, ‘Pool? Where’sh the pool?’

I ran out to find the residents of the town house next door (a family in their actual home, not part of the hotel) pushing ‘Beatrix’ out of their door and throwing her towel after her. She had seemingly just wandered about on the road for a while (in her swimsuit) before spotting an open door. Thinking it might somehow lead to the pool, in she went and happened upon the neighbours who were in the living room minding their own business watching TV.

Mortified, I grabbed her sorry ass, coaxed her back to ours and put her to bed.

The next morning when I went to check us out of the hotel, a group of police officers were in the foyer talking to the owner.

‘Good morning Ma’am. Did you experience any disturbance last night? We’ve had reports of a totally deranged lady dressed only in a bathing suit forcing her way into peoples’ homes and making unintelligible demands. She caused a lot of distress and scared the kids. Did you see or hear anything that may be of significance?’

Time to make a hasty exit from what had turned out to be a very lively place indeed.

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